The Art of the Apology
We don’t mean to, but humans hurt the people we care about. When we hurt someone, hopefully there is an opportunity to repair the relationship. When we can repair, we can reduce the build-up of hurt that can otherwise lead to resentment and big responses to seemingly small events. When we repair, we build resiliency in the relationship.
Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of several books including The Dance of Anger and why won’t you apologize? has offered structure to help us repair. Using her work, I offer a shortcut.
Own what you have done (and do not point out what the other has done.) “I am sorry I was late to the play.”
Own how you have hurt the other person. “It makes you feel like you are not a priority.”
How will it be different next time? “In the future, I will leave earlier to make sure I am on time when we meet.” This is not about serving a sentence to offset the hurt, this is about creating sustained change.
How you say these things matter. Showing sincerity and being authentic is critical. If you don’t feel it, wait until you mean it.
What else you include or exclude matters. Using “but” in your apology excuses you and weakens the message.
·Be prepared for future discussions. The apology is not necessarily the single step that results in immediate forgiveness. You may make the same mistake again, and the other person may bring it up (hopefully) in a kind and respectful way.
When we can learn how to use an apology effectively, it can bring positive, long-term results and heal ruptures within relationships. In creating an environment where repair is possible, we build trust, safety and respect.
At Our Healing Therapy we can help you build resiliency in your relationships. Contact us today.
