Living Apart Together
“Why aren’t you moving in together?” My friends asked when they found out I was downsizing and buying a place near my “Better Half.” When I told them I value having my own space and my things around me and a place to host my kids when they visit, more than one said to me, “Oh, that sounds great…I think I would do that too if it was a choice.” Maybe it is time to expand our choices.
Living Apart Together, LAT, differs from a long-distance relationship in that LAT couples are choosing to live apart and believe it benefits the relationship. The implication for long-distance relationships is that a commitment—job, school, or family obligation—keeps the couple from living in the same city or place. Long-distance relationships typically see each other less often than LAT couples.
Couples who decide on LAT consider themselves in committed, supportive relationships. They may or may not be married. They may or may not be monogamous. LAT may make consensual non-monogamous relationships (CNM) possible and feasible. LAT may also mean a couple lives in the same home with separate living quarters and bedrooms.
LAT is a growing trend especially for US women over the age of 60. Women may want to maintain financial independence post divorce, or may not believe the partner will share domestic chores, or may want more control of their schedule. LAT may keep time together special and it may reduce conflict because you can retreat to your space to cool down instead of escalating difficult conversations. In cases of changing health, LAT may make sense when one partner needs a higher level of care.
Like all things there are potential downsides. LAT may start to feel disconnecting and create distance in the relationship. It may also be more expensive to run 2 homes instead of one.
Questions to explore with your partner if you are interested in LAT:
What makes you excited to do LAT?
How will you know LAT is working for each of you?
When and how often will you check in with each other to assess how LAT is or is not working for you?
How often will you see each other? Do you need scheduled time together? How much time apart feels good for each of you?
What makes you excited to do LAT?
What concerns you about not sharing a bed or a home all the time?
How will you handle the finances at each home, and when you travel?
What are the long-term goals of the relationship?
How will you explain this relationship to others?
Are you concerned about judgment from others?
What privacy issue are you concerned about? Will you each have access to the other’s home? Will there be spontaneous visits?
At Our Healing Therapy, our clinicians are available to assist you in making changes to your relationship. Contact us today.
Disclaimer: The information in this blog is provided for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for mental health care nor a recommendation or endorsement for any particular treatment plan, organization, provider, professional service, or product. The information may change without notice. No claims, promises, or guarantees are made about the completeness, accuracy, currency, content or quality of information linked. You assume all responsibility and risk for any use of the information.
