Are you prone to shame?

We all have been there. Something goes wrong and we feel the physical sensations of fidgeting, blushing, nervous laughter, sweating and/or the desire to withdraw. Is the moment causing embarrassment, guilt, or shame?

If embarrassment was a necklace, guilt would be a coat and shame would be one’s circulatory system. In the moment, you can change and remove the first two but not the last. Another way of saying it would be that embarrassment is briefly focusing on an action, guilt is sustained focus on an action and shame is negatively assessing oneself about an action. Whereas embarrassment and guilt impact us, shame shuts us down.

Shame can be adaptive or maladaptive. When shame is present, it is a recognition that we don’t belong. Historically as humans, belonging determined survival. So shame kept us in line and helped the community survive. Surviving within community is why humans still seek to belong and be a part of others through relationships and family. In this sense it can be adaptive; we can learn from the moment to do it differently and stay connected to community. It can also be maladaptive when it feels pervasive and prevents us from learning from the moment.

Shame is unavoidable and there is a difference between being in a state of shame or having shame as a trait. Shame can vary across a scale; it can be temporary or engrained; it can be generated externally or internally. When it is maladaptive, there is work to be done and when shame stays hidden, that can be hard to do on one’s own. Here is a survey you can take to see where you might fall on the Guilt and Shame-Proneness Scale. 

At Our Healing Therapy, we will identify and undo aloneness around your shame and work on building mindful self-compassion to address it. Contact us today.