I remember the moment I realized perfectionism wasn’t working for me. I was doing some mundane task and mumbling to myself, “How could I be so stupid to have just done that? Why didn’t I just slow down and ….”
In that moment, I saw my youngest in the room with me. I wondered, did he hear what I just said? If he did, what am I modeling? Do I want him to do what I am doing to myself? The easy answer was, “NO!”
That was the instant I understood the full cost of what my self-criticism was doing to myself and to those around me. I was not just punishing myself, I was teaching someone else to do it. I vowed to put a stop to it and break the cycle.
Perfectionism, at its core, is more than simply reaching for excellence. Perfectionists “demand a certain level of performance,” according to Dr. Marc Hollender, and cannot “accept or be content with anything short of perfectionism.”Perfectionism results in a feeling of never being enough because the focus is on failure — when you failed, why you failed and how it defines you as a person. Perfectionists are quick to defend themselves when faced with criticism, and they fear failure.
There are many pain points for people caught up in perfectionism. The biggest complaint clients come to me with is burnout — professionally, relationally, and internally. Other negative outcomes include procrastination, anxiety spirals, self-doubt and jealousy towards others who appear to do everything with ease and efficiency.
How do we move from using perfectionism as a model?
We must decide it isn’t helping us. We have to see where it negatively impacts us and those we interact with. What is the cost of striving towards an always high-stakes goal, believing that the only possible outcomes are perfection or failure? Does perfectionism create anxiety, impatience, anger, defensiveness in me? Do others feel this when they interact with me? Am I modeling this unknowingly in front of my children? Seeing the costs can motivate us towards changing the perfection-driven internal system.
We replace our perfectionist belief system with something new: an updated belief system that incorporates self-compassion. As defined by Dr. Krista Neff and Dr. Chris Germer, self-compassion has three pieces:
- We treat ourselves with kindness instead of harsh self-judgment.
- We remember our common humanity, which reminds us that others also suffer and undoes our aloneness.
- We use mindfulness, which helps us be in the moment and notice our pain without getting swept away into reactive emotions.
At Our Healing Therapy, we will accompany you on this exploration of perfectionism. We will help you notice the costs of your perfectionist belief system and move towards a more effective, self-compassionate approach to yourself.
Join us for Enough as You Are, a two-day, in-person workshop on overcoming imposter syndrome and perfectionism.
Contact us today.
Disclaimer: The information in this blog is provided for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for mental health care nor a recommendation or endorsement for any particular treatment plan, organization, provider, professional service, or product. The information may change without notice. No claims, promises, or guarantees are made about the completeness, accuracy, currency, content or quality of information linked. You assume all responsibility and risk for any use of the information.