Age-gap relationships seem to be everywhere these days: in politics (Emmanuel and Brigitte Macron), among celebrities (Beyoncé and Jay-Z, Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas, Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor), and across our screens, from “Call Me by Your Name,” Netflix’s “Age of Attraction” to a string of Nicole Kidman movies (“To Die For,” “A Family Affair,” and “Babygirl.”).
What is an age-gap relationship?
While there is no formal definition of an age gap couple, having a space of ten+ years tends to illuminate generational divides. And while differences exist in all relationships, how age-gap couples respond to them could feel significantly different. When a life experience–health changes, financial stability, or someone reaching a milestone like a promotion, pregnancy, injury, empty nest or medical diagnosis–has an Older saying, “I can’t or don’t want to do X any longer,”–the Younger may feel the reality of the age difference.
Benefits
Research shows satisfaction on both sides of this relationship, regardless of whether it is hetero or non-heterosexual and for both the Younger and Older partners.
The Younger in the relationship can potentially benefit from the Older’s:
- Emotional maturity and support
- Desire and ability to build a relationship
- Financial stability
- Ability to see beyond stereotypes “Men are trash,” or “Women are gold diggers” that flood social media
- Wisdom gained from their life experience
The Older may benefit from:
- A longer life expectancy due to being partnered
- Motivation to stay healthy and in-shape so they can keep up with the Younger
- The expanded age span of their social group, which can extend friendships over one’s life
- The openness and vitality of the Younger.
- The Younger’s ability to assist or be the primary parent for children
Challenges
The two biggest challenges that can arise with age-gap relationships are power imbalances and lack of acceptance from family and/or social groups. These are likely present in the early stages and sometimes throughout the entirety of the relationship.
Acceptance may not be present immediately. The closer the Older is in age to the Younger’s parents, the more challenging acceptance can be. Family members may assume a parent/child dynamic even if it isn’t present. With friends, both sides may need to make an effort to find things in common. Both sides may struggle to prioritize getting to know each other until the relationship is more mature. Acceptance from family and friends can increase as they see a couple’s open communication, common interests and shared values.
Power parity may be a struggle. Power balance is important in intimate relationships. Money plays a role in this, but so does age, social status and societal assumptions about joint decision-making and who has the final say. In many cases, the Older will not be as concerned about power dynamics, because they tend to have more power. The Younger may feel pressure to shape their identity into one that fits or satisfies the Older.
If you are seeking parity, how do you collaborate and negotiate? Some of the most important decisions you make might involve:
- Money—including investing, saving, spending
- Balancing goals, visions, and different timelines (one is working while the other may be retired)
- Protecting the couple from others’ judgment
- Major traditional milestones: to have/not have kids, buy a home together
Communication and adaptability. Having a power imbalance—financial, social status, life experience—does not need to be exploitive. Transparent communication on all topics around power is worthwhile every time an imbalance shows up, not just once. Becoming aligned in the approach to each issue is both comforting and helps both partners feel heard and understood. Being adaptable helps smooth each transition and builds resilience.
If you are in an age-gap relationship, it is yours to define. Creating a shared experience layered with kindness, respect, and curiosity is exciting: you two get to envision exactly the relationship you want, as long as you both agree and there is an ability to evolve the agreement. At Our Healing Therapy, we will help you collaborate, define, and update your couple’s vision together. Contact us today.
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